To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose
height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
- Eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Normally come when called
- Never ask to drive the car
- Don't hang out with drug-using friends
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't have to buy the lat est fashions
- Don't want to wear your clothes
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and..
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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